There are a lot of things that I miss about the old me… the “pre-cancer me”… but it is only now, two years removed from active treatment, that I am noticing how many ways my brain got rewired. I had figured out how to achieve things in a panic-driven thought process… everything had to be rushed and fast because illness or hospitalization could strike at any time. I developed an extreme lack of patience and understanding – of strangers, of doctors, of my kids and within myself. Everything needed to be handled now and done yesterday.
It worked for those 4 years, though, it is probably part of the reason why I still get this fluttering in my chest whenever I really think back on how stressed and anxious that time was. I have a panic attack reaction to my reflections and flashbacks. Not surprising.
But nowadays … this rushed reality is not only unnecessary, it is harmful to my interactions with people, especially the people I live with and interact with regularly. I get impatient with how things change and get done – even if, in reality, they are going smoothly and quickly. It is never quick enough. There is always the anxious push in the back of my head that I *should* be doing everything because, of course, I know it needs to be done with haste and only I can do it that way. I get frustrated relying on people (not to mention all the other reasons that I am bad about relying on people) because my head get frantic when I am not in control of everything around me.
This self-induced crisis mode is starting to take a toll on me. It causes me to actively feed non-existent stress into my body, my brain and my thoughts of other people. The fact that I find myself fostering it on my partners is really sad – I mean, I live with people who are overachievers with lists and schedules. We are all people who “get things done” and yet, my brain gets frantic and stressed out over nothing. Nothing. It causes me to push at my kids for being slow or curious. I don’t have the mental time or patience to let them be inquisitive kids. I don’t want to answer questions or explain concepts.
And then I get angry at myself for reacting to my world this way. I can force periods of calm, where I make myself slow down and realize that work, kids, house and relationships are all under control. I can breath and take time out to see a movie or relax. But then, the trigger happens: multiple work orders come in, school calls because one of the kids is sick or child support doesn’t show up… and my brain flips the switch and now everything is a panic. The rushed tempo swoops up and overtakes me.
I am losing the battle of fighting against this pattern on my own.
